How Team Leading Changed Me

For the longest time, I had been terrified of being in a leadership position. I didn’t want the responsibility or the pressure. The fear of failure ran so deep that I didn’t want to lead where my mistakes would be on display for all to see. It’s hard to hide things when people are looking up to you, watching you, being impacted by your decisions. The only part of leadership I wanted was the validation that I was capable. 

Over the first few months of my Race, God taught me to find my validation in Him alone. In my quiet time, He would affirm me by bringing biblical truths to mind that spoke of my identity in Him. And He would remind me again and again that I have an audience of one. Validation from human lips means so little compared to hearing it from the Creator of the universe.

Through my time in Guatemala and Costa Rica, I got to a place where I was content not having a leadership role (logistics was enough of a challenge for that season.) I knew I was capable because God had equipped me. I didn’t need to prove it or be validated by being asked to lead. 

So what did God do when I got to that place of surrender and contentment? He asked me to step into a leadership role. 

Before we left Costa Rica, one of my squad leaders asked if I would become a Team Leader when we changed teams. I immediately knew this is what God wanted. He had been affirming that in me for a while, even though I didn’t want to admit it. It was an obvious yes for me, but I knew it would challenge me more than being a treasurer or logistics. This was going to be hard.

Early on in my journey as a team leader with my new team, I experienced feelings of inadequacy. I’d look around at the powerful women on the team and question why God chose me to lead instead of one of them. And each time, God would cast away those thoughts and remind me that He chose me for this season. He had things for me to learn that would specifically come through leading.

Here’s what leading taught me:

First, I have learned to be more assertive and decisive. God has given me authority so I need to step up and embrace it. Passivity is easy; it’s not as messy or vulnerable. But God doesn’t want us to stick to the easy. We grow in the mess, in the challenge where He’s the only one we can depend on. 

Second, in that place of dependence on Him, I also learned to be raw and real with my team. My default was to show up polished and put together. I used to do this as a teacher, and it was soon pointed out by leadership that I was doing that with my team. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it didn’t allow my team to meet me where I was because I was guarding the most tender parts of myself.

So instead of coming to team time composed, I learned it was okay to let them see my tears. I showed them my heart with its hurts, frustrations, and insecurities. And the crazy thing is, they loved me even more because of it. My team came around me and held me when I cried. They spoke truth into my life when I was believing lies of the enemy. They prayed for me and supported me. 

By coming to them polished, I was holding them at arm’s length, only giving them glimpses of what was actually going on inside. Opening up to them brought a whole new level of vulnerability to the entire team. It set the tone for being authentic with each other about our struggles as well as our victories. 

Leading with my heart in my hands is one of the hardest things because I am quick to think of how I’ve been hurt in the past, but God is redeeming that. Yes, putting myself out there could lead to hurt, or it could bring healing and true depth in relationships. 

Third, being a team leader taught me to be more gracious and understanding with those in leadership over me. In the past I’ve been quick to judge decisions people make, but now I see through different eyes. There’s no way to please everyone, or make a decision that is loved by all. Sometimes we make a decision in the moment to realize later that it wasn’t the best. Sometimes we are wrong. And that’s okay. Remember to be gracious, to be praying for those in all types of leadership. It is HARD. 

This season of team leading pushed me to more dependence on God, deeper levels of vulnerability with my team, and taught me how to be a good follower. I learned so much, and now I’m walking into a new team with no role. I have stepped out of leadership and am now supporting a new leader. Support is my favorite role by far. Plus this gives me time to process all that God is doing, time to rest, and time to really pray for my new team leader.