I Quit

Ask The Lord (ATL) has been quite the rollercoaster. As the team leader, I have felt an added weight on my shoulders to guide my team well as we navigate what exactly God wants us to do in the DR. Instead of laying it at the feet of God like He told me to, I’ve been trying to carry it. And it has left me feeling exhausted.

The most recent lie God has been pointing out in my life is that I believe productivity in the Kingdom looks the same as it does in the world. In my career as a teacher I had many ways to show I had been productive during the day. There were assignments completed, papers graded and grades recorded, lesson plans written, and emails sent. And I used those things to prove to myself that I had accomplished something and was therefore of value to my students and the school. 

Since this has been my normal way of thinking and working, I brought it to the mission field with me. As my team has been doing ATL for the last week, I find myself weighing what I did during the day to see if I somehow satisfied some unknown quota for the day. Was I productive? Did I do enough to meet the requirements of ATL? Is the Lord pleased with how I spent my day?

I began to strive to come up with something to do during the day. My mind started spinning with ideas like putting on a VBS, hosting a Beauty for Ashes women’s ministry event, or finding equipment to play sports in the park. All of these things are viable options with ATL, but it wasn’t what God was asking of me. It would look productive from the outside, but on the kingdom side it would show me “working” for the Lord. And that is where I started to gauge my value – in my productivity.

But that’s not how the kingdom operates. My value isn’t dictated by how much work I can do for God, it’s found in being His child, His beloved! My value is already set by Him and cannot be changed, but I often forget that and turn to what I can accomplish to prove my worth.

God quickly stepped into that space and shattered my anxious thoughts. It was almost like He replayed my actions and thoughts on a reel like a movie. I saw myself searching for my worth in a task, not Him. My mind was consumed with work and not abiding and resting in His presence like He had been asking me to. He called me out because I wanted to be seen as busy over seeing my need to be with Him. That stung, and caught me off guard.

Some days ministry looks like posting up in the city center to meet people passing by, praying for an elderly American woman sitting outside a souvenir shop who doesn’t know Jesus, or going to the grocery store and buying groceries for a woman and her little girl. Other days it’s staying home and spending the day in prayer interceding for the people all around me. I’ll be honest, up to this point I’ve looked at interceding as being less important so it came toward the end of my list of things to do. I prioritized tasks or being outside looking busy over prayer.

What if one of the most powerful things in the spiritual realm, like interceding in prayer for others, looks the most unproductive by worldly standards? Does that lessen its value or importance? Absolutely not! God is reconstructing my whole perception of what it looks like to be active in His kingdom. He doesn’t need me, but He invites me to be a part of His plans. There is no need to strive or find value in accomplishment because God is the giver of value. He is delighted in me, and He LOVES it when I simply spend time in His presence. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. That means if I’m striving, frustrated, or exhausted, then my focus has shifted away from Him.

So when I finally listened to His still small voice telling me to rest and abide in Him for my ministry for one of the days, I felt my entire being breathe a sigh of relief as His peace filled me. Then I understood why He wanted me to rest in Him. He is the only thing that can fill my cup so that it can overflow onto those I meet. If I’m empty then I have nothing left to give my team or the people I meet on the street. 

The Lord whispered to me that it’s time to quit striving. No more finding my value in accomplishments or things I got done in a day. It’s going to be a process, but with God holding my hand to guide me through it, I will be victorious and the chains of striving won’t hold me down any longer.