When God Breaks Your Heart

Growing up in church and a Christian environment, there was a phrase I heard quite often: be careful what you pray for. Usually this referred to praying for patience because that would lead to God putting the person in situations that caused them to practice patience. I’d usually chuckle and make a mental note not to pray for patience. To this day I haven’t prayed for that specifically, but I didn’t realize other prayers could be equally, if not more, “dangerous.”

The first month of the Race is coming to an end and I have loved the many ministries we were able to be a part of. I was thriving. My heart was overflowing with peace and joy. Then we came to our ministry for last Saturday. Our host told us that we would be helping out at a local music festival for most of the day. Now, if you know me and my love of music, you know that a music festival is right up my alley. I was pumped! We would be handing out water to keep people hydrated, and making sure people were staying safe, all while hearing Aussie bands. 

On the drive there I was praying for the day. I prayed that God would give me his eyes to see people the way he does, and that he would break my heart for what breaks his. 

We arrived, got put into small groups and began to wander around interacting with the people attending. It started out pretty laid back. But as the day progressed, more and more people filled the space. I began to feel bogged down. The atmosphere was heavy and I felt a weight settle on me spiritually. So many people drunk and high. Their friends or family didn’t seem to care at all. We were walking through the crowds looking out for people who may need our help or a glass of water. For me it seemed like we were out looking for the people who were worst off. I have the tendency to see the best in people so this task took a toll on me. I hate the idea of purposefully seeking out people at their worst, but they were the ones with the greatest need.

To say God broke my heart that day is an understatement. I saw so many lost, broken, and hurting people who were searching for love in the wrong things or places. I felt the weight of the sorrow and pain of the people all around me. Being empathetic and a feeler made it difficult for me to function in an environment like that. I wanted nothing more than to shake them all and tell them there is so much more to life than alcohol, drugs, and the next person to make them feel happy for a few moments. I wanted to tell them about the God who loves them with a perfect love, but that’s not what we were there to do so I loved them through my actions. Eventually I became emotionally numb and struggled to serve the people at all. 

The next morning I was able to actually process the day before and the emotions that filled me. I was able to cry and give it all over to God. He used that festival to break my heart for what breaks his and he gave me his eyes to see the broken people he loves. God answered my prayers but it came at a high emotional and spiritual cost to me. I am learning how to give the emotions over to God and to love through my actions when words fail. Ministry isn’t always filled with joy, but each day has taught me something new while deepening my faith and relationship with God. 

So yes, be careful what you pray for, but don’t be afraid to pray those dangerous prayers. Because they just might be what God uses to draw you closer to him and give you a piece of his heart. I have a deeper love for the people around me, especially the ones I don’t know personally.